Wow this is truly magical, all this thinking.
James is currently way way asleep with Frances Ha playing on the screen. He loved Ladybird, so I thought we'd try. I don't think it was a win. He says he doesn't put his feet on anyone's lap while napping. There must be a word for that. It's one of my very favorite things to do.
I can smell his feet. There's something so sweet and comforting about body odor. Like yes I'm here for this no matter what the smell. But the smell's not so bad.
This morning James and I were discussing the convo I had with my friend Joan, who he affectionately refers to as my Oracle at Delphi. At one point she said, "But you don't like Mike," to something or other, and I was a little shook. I know she's right. It doesn't sit well.
The other night when James's friend Ruthie came over after coming out with us to Psycho Suzi's, the three of us sat on the bed and she was sharing her thoughts on all of us. She kept comparing Mike to some guy she spent three years being in love with. "I know this kid," she kept saying. James had to go throw up at some midpoint in our conversation, and Ruthie continued to ask me questions and talk about her thoughts on our roommates.
She soon rounded the corner on this one: "Does that mean you like Mike?" Fuck. Fuck no. I wondered if I should. Would it be a good idea to have a crush on him? Would it make my time here more enjoyable?
I tried to muster some romantic feeling. Nothing. Sentimental attachment? No. Searching for anything just led me to wall after wall. I'm sure I've spent time building each one up, some recently and some a long time ago. The time I've spent figuring these feelings out is Z bud. Gonna work on that.
* * *
* * *
Joan told me I should write things that inspire beauty.
She told me to be water. She told me that waves are wild and enjoyable and have a rhythm I should learn to mimic. She said fire burns things to embers and ash.
James said both fire and water are necessary for life, and that an excess of either would be destructive.
Things aren't exactly great at the JV house right now. They're not awful, I suppose. Andrei has been a little bit nicer recently. I really think it's because he's had more focused attention from Mike and Rebecca. He was starving. He's perpetually starving, I think. James and I have not fed him.
I told James today as I drove him to work that there is something fundamentally off about my relationship with Mike. I recognize that the idea I had of him in the beginning is a fabrication on both our parts. The perpetuation of this dynamic hurts James, hurts Mike and it stands that it would hurt me, too. My feeling was that I didn't want to be bothered to change this because I deemed him fine as he was. Sure we wouldn't have a deep connection or be able to talk about many things, but I was ok with that. Am ok with that Tbh. I'm not ok with James being upset all the fucking time. There is a whole world to unpack in why this dynamic hurts him so much, and I won't do that here.
A few days ago I watched a video in which someone breaks down 500 Days of Summer as a bildungsroman rather than a tragic romance. The video claims that Tom fails at loving her because he never pays true attention. To love is to pay attention, is what James loves to say. And just because he took this sentiment directly from Thich Nhat Hanh doesn't make it any less true. To love is to observe, to learn, to put into action what you learn. Love takes hard work and a stayed hand and faith all at once.
I don't love Mike.
My mother always used to say there is no merit in loving someone who's easy to love.
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